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Atari 5200 Guy

Going Through A Life Change

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Hey guys.

Just a bit of a heads up and also a bit of me trying to release a bit of stress.  I made a huge decision today that I never wanted to happen but felt like I had no choice.  I left my wife.  Whether it was right or wrong i am not sure so I am still battling with myself but I simply couldn't deal with the verbal abuse, constantly being yelled at, and once her brother and two boys arrived in my area I got nothing but constant threats of being beat and not being able to do anything about it.  I felt I was being mentally and emotionally beat down and no way to escape.  I also felt I was being controlled because there was not a whole lot I was allowed to do, to be me.

Today I made my escape. I grabbed what I could quietly and snuck out the door while she took a nap.  I didn't look back.  Scared?  That would be an understatement.  But I have a friend here I escaped to who also knew my wife and has told me they didn't know how I lasted 11 years.  I'm not so sure myself and I don't understand how treating someone who is doing everything in their power to keep a love family member well.  I know I did wrong sometimes as well but not the point of being treated poorly.  

I've had meltdowns for most of the day and I feel I will have more later.  But tomorrow is a new day and hopefully things will start to feel better.  The things my friends have said to me that it wasn't me and that I was a good man to do everything I did because not a lot of people would have everything I did for her.  That did kind of eased my mind but I also know that I have a long road ahead of me.  But I will survive, always have.

I still have my car, I managed to grab my Lynx and its games, XEGS, 2600 Junior, Jaguar, STe, Solar Star, the motherboard RickR gifted me with its two hard drives, couple of clothes, important papers in two reusable shopping bags and headed out the door.  But I couldn't grab anything else.  I left behind a lot of stuff but I know I'm in a better place working on a better life.  

It's going to take me a while to be myself again but I got this.  I know I do and I know my family in heaven is watching over me, guiding me.  I know I've got my friends here as well to help make the days get easier.  

On a funny note...I was cleaning out my trunk today after I got to my friend's house and had my bag of stuff to bring indoors sitting beside me one side and another bag full of trash on the other side of me.  As a precaution I put my car keys in the bag to bring in.  While putting things back in my trunk I mixed the bags up.  Yep, my key are in my trunk now.  So, tomorrow I have to dismantle my back seat to try to get my keys out the trunk.  Yea...I'm doing good.

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"Whether it was right or wrong i am not sure so I am still battling with myself but I simply couldn't deal with the verbal abuse, constantly being yelled at, and once her brother and two boys arrived in my area I got nothing but constant threats of being beat and not being able to do anything about it.  I felt I was being mentally and emotionally beat down and no way to escape.  I also felt I was being controlled because there was not a whole lot I was allowed to do, to be me." 😮

UHM From the sound of this in your post sounds like you did EXACTLY the right things, the only thing you could do! OMG nobody should endure that for so long and definitely this is not a sustainable way to live. I don't have the answers but sounds like you have taken the most important first steps. Just stay safe, let your friend help you out until you are standing strong on your own feet 100% don't make any rash decisions from this point  just stay the course, stay true to yourself and do whatever is required to move forward. All the best to you and hoping you find peace and a more stress free life sometime soon. 

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That sucks -- that you had to put up with that abuse. 😞 I don't know if this unsolicited advice is helpful, but there will probably come a time when you have to go get the rest of your stuff. Bring someone with you when you do to act as both a mediator and a witness.

Do what you need to do to make things better for yourself, man.

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For the record...I wish no ill will toward anyone regardless.  I only wish the best for the family I left behind.  Its just an environment I simply can't be a part of.

On a good note I got my keys out of my trunk by taking the backseat out.  Look what I found when I did.

IMG_20201013_134409.jpg.46c916e48fa70ca850b90d19375032eb.jpg

A GBA game and I have no way to play or test it.  Cool find.  Had it for 11 years and never knew it.

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52 minutes ago, Atari 5200 Guy said:

For the record...I wish no ill will toward anyone regardless.  I only wish the best for the family I left behind.  Its just an environment I simply can't be a part of.

That is very good of you. Hating others and holding grudges is pointless in my eyes.

And hey, am I reading that correctly? Is that an Infogrames game? As in, "Fake Atari" Infogrames?

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Well, I made it through a new day.  Nerves still shot.  Hopefully that will get better in time.  Then again I am getting to be an old man so.

Thank you all for the kind words a positive attitude.  It helps more than you guys know.

Edited by Atari 5200 Guy

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13 hours ago, dauber said:

That sucks -- that you had to put up with that abuse. 😞 I don't know if this unsolicited advice is helpful, but there will probably come a time when you have to go get the rest of your stuff. Bring someone with you when you do to act as both a mediator and a witness.

Do what you need to do to make things better for yourself, man.

Man.  I don't know if I could ever be comfortable going back there.  I about had a breakdown today just going to Walmart with my friend because he needed to get something.  I hate I left it all behind but its just not with it to me. I would even feel safe if I involved to police.

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A bit of an update.  I tried to get my stuff today by going to the police first for my protection should anything go wrong. The answer I got back shocked me.  Since I left those apartments I was no longer a resident there and I had to have her permission for me to get my belongings.  Those apartments have locked doors.  You are not getting in unless you have a key or who you are coming to see let's you in.  The police have keys, yes, but they wouldn't let me in for her protection unless I had her permission.  So that was a kick in the pants.

I get back to my friends house and tried to email her.  She wanted to talk face to face which I finally thought WTH...I did it with my first ex so why not.  It was a learning experience.  I walked in that apartment and just lost it.  Walking in the room to get her cards I left behind (debit, food stamps, things of that nature) so she would know that I never took them and had no interest in her money I froze.  I was looking into my prison.  Man I kid you not, I looked in that room and saw nothing but bad memories from everything I looked at...and there are mostly video games in there. 

Why did i have this stuff if i was told constantly that i didnt deserve them?  Why is a video game of any kind bringing bad memories?  I have had noting but fun with those games.  Those hot wheels cars i use to enjoy looking at.  I couldnt stand to see them.  I don't get it.  I learned just how much damage has been done to me mentally.  I still love video games no doubt about it.  I need time to heal...I just don't know how much time. 

I know I'm not ready for any kind of a relationship outside of friendships.  That much I know.  My old self started to wake up and seeing her just shut it down again.  I know I love her as a person but ... I don't know about anything after that.  And I know she's probably reading this.  She's told me tonight she's been reading this post.  I just don't know how to put it into words or I don't know how to word it.

Edited by Atari 5200 Guy

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Its a new day.  Things seem better than they have in the past few days. 

Unfortunately, my poor old car has been neglected for so long she has to be replaced.  So, finding a new car is going to be a top priority.  I simply can't be without one. My car has turned into a fire hazard.  I've got a relay getting so hot that you can't touch it and the car doesn't even have to be running, just turned on.  The car has a short somewhere but I have not found it.  She's also getting to where she doesn't want to start.  I'd love to rebuild her but there are so many things wrong it would be cheaper to get another used car.  Poor Blue.  She's been good to me.

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I'm so sorry for you dude. You've been having a really tough week.

I'm not going to say that my issues are anywhere close to as bad as your's are, but I kind of understand what you're going through. When you say

14 hours ago, Atari 5200 Guy said:

I know I love her as a person but ... I don't know about anything after that.

I think I sort of understand what you're trying to say. I can see that my parents don't have much time left together and that they'll separate sooner than later most likely. I have talked to my dad about this and asked what he thought of my mom. He said he still loves her, and if they separate he will still help her as much as he can, but he also said that he just can't take living with her anymore. My mom isn't exactly the best to be around as she tends to scream at the drop of a hat and continue to scream all day (or weekend) long. It's not uncommon to have things brought up that happened years ago. But my point is that he loves my mom but just can't deal with it anymore. I'm assuming that's what you are trying to say here.

Sorry about your car as well. Someday this will all be behind you and you will soon be leading a more stress-free life. Know that we're all here for you, man.

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14 hours ago, Atari 5200 Guy said:

I couldnt stand to see them.  I don't get it. 

I think this is a very normal response.  Your mind is focusing on what's most important right now.  Finding a new normal, getting away from a bad situation.  Also, those things in the old environment are a reminder of the past.  Give it time, your hobbies and likes will come back.  They may change.  But they'll be back.  My suggestion to you is to get your stuff.  Box up the stuff you don't want to see quite yet.  Put it in a safe place and you can deal with it later.

Focus on the present.  Learn and listen to your body and mind and heart.  Making a new normal is HARD and SCARY.  But it's also an opportunity for something you never even considered before. 

Time.  Give it time.  And be kind to yourself. 

As for your car...I'm sorry.  That's hard too -- when it rains it pours.  But it's just a thing.  You need a different one, so make it happen and don't look back.

 

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And Harry, I'm sorry about your situation too.  Those are your parents.  Love them as best as you can.  Trust me...there will come a time many years from now when you miss them both.  I can tell you this.  The situation you describe is so dang common.  At my age, I've seen that situation play out at that age you are 100 times. I have no answers.  I just hug my wife sometimes and admit I have no idea how we got so lucky.  Listen and be open and honest is the best advice I can give.  And the fact you have an open dialogue with your father about such a sensitive topic is very, very rare and good. 

 

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59 minutes ago, HDN said:

I'm so sorry for you dude. You've been having a really tough week.

I'm not going to say that my issues are anywhere close to as bad as your's are, but I kind of understand what you're going through. When you say

I think I sort of understand what you're trying to say. I can see that my parents don't have much time left together and that they'll separate sooner than later most likely. I have talked to my dad about this and asked what he thought of my mom. He said he still loves her, and if they separate he will still help her as much as he can, but he also said that he just can't take living with her anymore. My mom isn't exactly the best to be around as she tends to scream at the drop of a hat and continue to scream all day (or weekend) long. It's not uncommon to have things brought up that happened years ago. But my point is that he loves my mom but just can't deal with it anymore. I'm assuming that's what you are trying to say here.

Sorry about your car as well. Someday this will all be behind you and you will soon be leading a more stress-free life. Know that we're all here for you, man.

That is exactly my situation.  If I didn't do what I was "suppose" to do either because i forgot or something else happened, or if I didn't hear her right away for whatever reason there was hell to pay.  And once it involved her brother and nephews I felt like I was being ganged up on.  They didn't come here to get to know me or help me they came here for her only and to keep me "in-line".  

I know she's reading this or will sometime.  I need her to know and understand that I do still love her...but they killed the me that lived there with her as a married couple.  That part of me has died.  And I will post more later but I've got to help my friends at the moment and I need to see if I can Get Blue to fire up one last time.  I've got to retrieve my things and clothes.

Later guys.  I got this!

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28 minutes ago, RickR said:

And Harry, I'm sorry about your situation too.  Those are your parents.  Love them as best as you can.  Trust me...there will come a time many years from now when you miss them both.  I can tell you this.  The situation you describe is so dang common.  At my age, I've seen that situation play out at that age you are 100 times. I have no answers.  I just hug my wife sometimes and admit I have no idea how we got so lucky.  Listen and be open and honest is the best advice I can give.  And the fact you have an open dialogue with your father about such a sensitive topic is very, very rare and good. 

 

Nah, don't feel bad for me. I'm fine over here for the most part. The weekends are typically the roughest parts of the week as my mom is home for two days straight. Typically, she likes to go out for coffee with her friends or go shopping or something, but she's also a massive germophobe, so she can't because of the virus. So she just ends up sitting there and feeling bad that she can't go do anything. My mom gets very anxious when she can't do anything and feels trapped in a way. She ends up sitting there and looking at Facebook and seeing everyone's "better lives". I tell you, social media is so faked and one-sided. You never see the difficult parts of life, only the good stuff that flexes how good you have it and makes other people jealous. She has pretty low self-esteem, too, so when she sees people on social media with something she doesn't have like a pool (or kids that are on the football team or something), she ends up feeling really bad about herself and that she wasted her life. I can't imagine always thinking that everyone is better than you and that you'll never be good enough. That's no way to live. Feel sorry for her, not me. I understand why she yells at us, but it's really hard to deal with and I don't think there's any fixing it. I wish no harm on my mother, I just wish that we didn't have to be around each other. I honestly don't care in the slightest if my parents divorce.

She does go to work though as she has her own office and things.

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Another update.  

I went back to get some of my stuff, yet again, and I did get the Atari stuff.  That was most important to me.  Those are things which mostly didn't come from her...those items came from others including Atari I/O friends.  But while I was there both of us had a good long heart to heart.

The bible says everyone deserves a second chance and I completely agree.  I've had time to think things through and figure out what I want.  I need to be able to work where money or lack of it isn't a problem.  I gave up working to take care of her full time.  Unfortunately it took its toll on me physically and mentally.  For eleven years we were very rarely apart from one another and I honestly believe, as much as it breaks my heart to say this, I grew tired of even looking at her or hearing her.  And when the yelling and physical threats started I just shutdown.  There's an old saying that I believe applies here: absence makes the heart grow fonder.  That was something that was honestly never done.

And, yes, I did shut her out of my world that she has said she wanted to be a part of and tried to be a part of. The problem there is my world, my hobbies, were no longer my interests...they became my escape, my way of trying to get a break from everything.  Her, her ways, her yelling, and when her brother go here, from everyone.  Video games no longer became my escape because I had intruders.  Two or three of them.  My video game world, even though I tried to include them, was no longer safe to me.  And it should have never felt that way but it did.

The one world I never brought in was my music world.  Not listening to music....playing music.  My dads side of the family has a long history in music.  Not famous for the most part but was still a part of the music industry.  My great uncle Red Gale was the only one who made something of himself in the music business.  He was a guitar player for Porter Wagner.  The rest, my grandmother, great aunts and uncles, were friends to some classic well-known country musicians.  My grandmother made her money waiting tables and got an Arkansas award as the best waitress in the state. Ive seen the award.  She served Elvis!  The woman served Elvis on a few times he was traveling through my hometown on tours.  He would always request her if he stopped by to eat.  Those are stories I was told by my family and hold dear.  But it was stories and a family heritage I felt I had to protect.  I'm very proud of that heritage and I never should have shut her out of it.  Sadly those aunts, uncles, and my grandmother are all gone now.  I miss them dearly.  But that heritage is why I love music so much and I should have included her in it.  I miss playing keyboards and bass.  But instead I kept her from it.

As for my wife and I....well...its complicated at the moment....for me at least. I still need time to heal.  I still love her, there's no doubt about that, but I need time for me at the moment, to get me back together and to take care of what has been neglected for too long.  We had a good long talk last night and all the cards were put on the table.  For US to work I feel we should start over completely.  Not get a divorce but we really need to start over and definitely make some serious changes.  Things are going to have to change or we will not make it as a couple. 

The eleven years we were together are still there but are dead to me for the most part and I don't want that to be carried over to where old problems will rear their ugly heads.  The past needs to stay in the past.  We need a new solid foundation to stand on built on trust and love for this to work...and then let it grow from there with a new understanding of one another.  We are different now but he love is still there.  I've seen it.  I can tell she's a better person now than when I got here and met her.  But I also need time for me, to heal, to take care of myself, and in a different place than where we lived.  I simply can't be back in that building.  That place sucks the life out of me.

On a positive side, we went and grabbed dinner and had a first date again.  It was nice and I got our dog to eat a plain cheeseburger who hasn't ate anything since I left.  I'm not a bad person and I don't mind second chances.  And I don't like not helping people.  Its who I am, its what has served me well through life, its what I want to continue to do.  As long as I don't get backstabber I will be a friend for life, give you the shirt off my back, and never ask for anything in return.  I'm mean, come on, I'm still good friends with my ex who cheated on me.  Just because that happened doesn't mean I didn't want to be friends with her.  That's just not me.

So...new game plan.  I'm going to give my wife a second chance but I am requesting a fresh start on new grounds.  No rules or anything like that but we need to build something new that is just us, no one else getting involved in any disagreements we may have. Disagreements need to be taken care of in a civil manner, no more yelling, and should it get out of control I'm out the door for a while.  Not to leave for good but to give time for things to calm down and try again with a level head.  I miss my Sniper Elite 4 buddy...I miss involving her in the projects I would work on, but there will also be times i will have projects I will not want her a part of to give me a break from everyone and everything.  I will need ME time.  Because THAT is a healing process.  And we both need healing.

See guys, I got this.  And I thank each and everyone of you here, my family spirit that has been guiding me, and the friends who took me in for allowing me to escape when I needed it so I could have the time I needed and to listen to things I have needed to get out for a very long time when I felt no one would listen.  You all mean a lot to me and that does include my wife, too.  She has been there when no one else was ... We just simply grew apart and for all the wrong reasons.  She knows what she has to do and I know what I have to do for is to work.  When I left I was ready to give up on my marriage with no regrets.  I simply didn't care anymore.  Now I'm not ready yet.  I'll give it a second chance...but the first sign that things start going back to the way things were...I'm out.  I can't put it any simpler than that.

 

Edited by Atari 5200 Guy

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